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February 2014




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Feb. 17th, 2014


The Fish Tank Scene

Well, a girl can only do so many re-enactments of the Romeo and Juliet fish tank scene without totally seeing the male lead as her own Romeo.

Come to think of it objectively, how could I have stopped myself from falling for him? When you grow up in a land without sun, you're not used to being addressed "honey" or "darling" even as a joke. And you're completely unprepared for the mysteries of people who come from not one but two foreign countries. That's culture shock enough, isn't it?

I am super obvious when I like someone, which is definitely strange as I am absolutely terrified of being rejected. Actually, all my worst fears are things that are bound to happen.

What makes you happy when you like someone even though you know there's no chance of your feelings being reciprocated?

It's not my fault this happened. I'd like to blame him but I can't, either. It's nobody's fault, it just happened. That's how it goes sometimes. It's not his fault I don't fit into his criteria and it's not my fault either, even though I personally think so.

I wish I fit in someone's criteria.

They say loving others begins with loving yourself. I believe this but how am I supposed to love myself if I don't feel worthy of love from anyone or I don't see how anyone could ever love anything in me.

I guess it must be depression. Why I haven't left this house in three days for anything other than food. And had take-out on two days out of the three. Why I don't feel happy doing things I want to do or in some cases, think I'll never be able to do what I want.

There are so many break-up songs. But what about people like me, the love disabled, of whom no one has ever cared? I never listen to Fix You by Coldplay when I'm sad because that makes me feel worse than anything - and I will try to fix you - who? Who are you? Who will try to fix me? Thank you for the effort, Chris Martin, but I don't believe you are singing this to me.

Back to you, Romeo. I'm not blaming you for anything. It's all me. I'm sorry for liking you and I'm sorry for whatever this mess is that I am and I'm sorry for interrupting your life with my mess. But I still wish you would say something; maybe if you do, I can absolve myself.

The cat's on the table now. Now it's just waiting for Romeo to acknowledge it and see if Juliet will drink her poison. She probably will, because life is not fiction, even if she'd want it to be.

fish tank

Feb. 10th, 2014


I'm not 18

Sometimes a seemingly innocent question can catch you completely off-guard and create an insane confusion.

Here I am, in a cosy pub in Finchley, after having a lunch meeting with the director of Puzzle, and decided to have a drink in order to have a reason to stay inside using the internet and the electricity. So I decide to go for a glass of white wine. The bartender takes my order but stops halfway to the fridge to say, "May I ask how old you are?" and I almost say 18. I just manage to shut my mouth before the word rolls off my tongue. I pause, freeze, think - "Twenty." And then I try to cover my freezing by explaining, "I almost said 18, I guess I'm still stuck there." The bartender looks at me and asks for my ID, which I hand over happily, delighted about the fact that I don't need to talk anymore.

18? Really? God, I feel like it. Because I have no idea at all what has happened to the time that I've spent in London. Looking ahead, three years seems like a long time but looking back, hell, how come it's 15 years since I began school? What happened to that time and what has that time done to me - or for me?

I've recently thought about it more, about the fact that you can never go back, no matter what you do. You can't go back to a phase in your life, you just need to have made the best of it at the time. Which sucks because I am not good at living in the moment. In my head I'm usually in the past or in the future but very rarely in NOW. It's quite depressing when I think about it. Which is also why my NOW always seems like a bad option - sadness. Comparisons. What ifs. When I'm *****, then ******. That's my downfall.
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Oct. 11th, 2013

alfie, jude law

Chance of a blooming romance?

What is it about genders? What makes men and women different and what affects your attraction to either or both genders?

I've never stressed about sexual orientation. I've pretty much always fancied guys, aside from the odd girl crush, and like to think that when the right person comes along, I'll know it by their soul, not body. But putting aside my own feelings, as I feel this is pretty universal, why do you actively look for a person from your ideal selection?

I've never really had any guy friends before uni. Even now I've only got about four that I ever spend time with but obviously I'm in friendly terms with most of the guys from our course (an obvious improvement from high school times as any of my school friends would know). And now that I'm struggling a bit to get over this stupid crush thingy (yes, struggling, I'll admit) I realised that this guy is just really nice to talk to. Like, sometimes we have this banter thing going on and sometimes it's a bit more serious (obviously it never got serious enough. I'm not saying that he is not annoying).

I have amazing friends. Incredible, even. If I want to talk about some issue I can pretty well pinpoint with whom I'd have the most fruitful conversation about it. Some of them I can talk to about pretty much anything. Why is it then that I really, really want a guy to talk to about things, even in a platonic relationship? (Gay friends don't count.) Is it just that acceptance by the opposite sex (or whichever it is you're attracted to)? Of course it would be nice to know that you can hold a conversation with someone with even the slightest possibility of a romance - even if you know it'd never happen, just knowing that in theory it could?

Kind of confusing and I'm not sure if I explained it very well. But, well, feel free to share your thoughts, or ask if you don't know what the hell I'm writing about.
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Oct. 10th, 2013


Life, and, like, stuff.

So I know I haven't written anything for a while, least of all my monthly goals. And there's no proper reason other than I just haven't felt like it. But now I'm bored and sick and tired with certain aspects of life (the usual ones) so it's as good a time as any to scribe something.

Uni started yesterday. Conveniently enough, my bi-annual cold began the day before yesterday (right now it's 7:45am and I've been up since 4am because I couldn't sleep due to not being able to breathe properly). It was the first day, we have a new module with a teacher (lecturer? I don't know what the proper title is) who seems really nice. And then we have... the dissertation. Ungh. Basically the premise is that there's no way to get a good grade if you can't do a coherent back-to-back story in about 30 pages. You can do something else but that's going to be a disservice to your grade. And this, my friends, absolutely 100% sucks. So. Much. They've always told us we could do a feature script as the dissertation so fuck this. I just, NO! It'll be a fucking miracle if I ever get even a slightly endurable idea for a 30-minute film. I might be able to do a TV pilot in that frame, but a short, that's just not me. My short script will not be a "calling card" for me like the tutors say, it will be a warning sign.

The thing is, I write characters. And for short films you need a situation, an event. That's just not one of my strong suits and I'm not being negative about this, I'm being realistic. And panicking because I've no idea what the fuck I'll do if this falls apart. I'm even considering the essay dissertation - 8000 words isn't that much, right? :/

So, first day of uni also marked the first day since May of seeing everyone, including, well, him. I successfully ignored him in a polite way, and intend on keeping that attitude up. Whatever. It's not about him, really, I just would really, really, really love it if somebody cared, you know?

Oh, there's also flat news: Juuso moved out and Mike, Matilda's friend and former course mate, moved in. And we changed rooms - I'm in Matilda's room now (first night here) and have big plans for it. I would also like to go on record about how now is the beginning of the freezing period, expected to last about five months. That doesn't mean it's freezing outside - no, it means it's fucking frosty in our flat. God, I hate this place so much sometimes. I feel like I could build a better house than the average British construction worker. The "double-glazing" still bothers me the most, I think; there's absolutely no point in having two layers if the window goes like this: || instead of this: |  |. That's the whole damn point.

Sorry about the rant. There are nice things going on, too: my finger nails are longer (=prettier) than they've been in a while, I got a Chelsea FC and a BFI membership, and I'm living over-budget. No! That's not good... But I'm doing a free trial month of LoveFilm (like Netflix, but owned by Amazon) and I feel like taking a month's break from life to watch everything they've got.
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Sep. 19th, 2013


Mulder!Fashion for xf_is_love

Welcome to the wonderful world of Mulder!Fashion. As I was casually rewatching the series I noticed what a terrible taste Mulder has in ties. This inspired me to make a couple of collages of Mulder's style, filled with misses and seasoned with a couple of hits. These looks are from seasons 1-5.Click for the photos!Collapse )

Sep. 11th, 2013

moulin rouge

Whoever you are, I miss you like crazy.


Sep. 5th, 2013


Resisting dating

My dear friend Rosa is beginning a new blog project, 100 Days without Men. It's very hard to relate with - my first thought literally was, "Ha! I wish I could do that!" Obviously, the reason I can't do that is that there is nothing to take a break from and nothing to resist. But of course I know Rosa and I are very different in character and knowing her past love life, I understand this is more difficult for her. And I'm really looking forward to reading about her project! I wish her good luck and would like to recommend the blog to the other one of my two readers (the one who is not the author of the aforementioned blog).
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I never really thought about feminism or gender equality in Finland. Of course I was grateful for the brave women who fought for the right to vote and so on, and of course I was worried about that whole "a man's euro is a woman's 80 cents" thing. But as an 18-year-old Finn I always thought gender equality issues are done with and these aren't really my problems.

Then two things happened: I moved to London, and I grew up.

I'm not sure which opened my eyes more but I'd still like to think things are quite well in Finland, and I think they are in most cases. But whether it was time or geography that prevented me of realizing the huge problems women today face, the wake up call has been horrible.

My first real touch with gender roles and stereotypes is very much linked to my first proper communications with the opposite sex (I had zero male friends earlier). Boys held doors open for me and looked at me weirdly when I did the same for them. And being a girl on a film course - that's a whole other issue. Sure, there are a lot of us but gees, we still are the ones who are expected to excel in essay and script writing and be worse in the technical stuff, with cameras and other equipment, as well as even directing and producing. There seems to be a lot more men than women in the industry and I just don't know why. What is it that makes films or film-making so masculine? Well, that's a topic for another time.

In today's world feminism is some sort of swear word. It's used incorrectly by all kinds of people. Even some people who declare themselves to be feminists aren't real feminists. Feminism has nothing to do with hating men. It has nothing to do with women being superior to men, no. It means thinking that women should have the same rights as men. Fairly simple, and fairly fucking reasonable.

The important thing to remember about feminism is that it's an old movement with some principles that seem outdated. Voting rights to women? What, we've got that already, who cares? Well, you should. This is the core definition and even though "official" changes to it are hard to define, my view of feminism includes breaking gender roles. I try to avoid thinking of people as "man" and "woman" and would love to have my little nephew grow up even a bit gender neutral. I'm not going to buy him any cars etc. just because they are marketed for boys. But this doesn't mean that I'd be stocking up on Barbie dolls for the next five Christmases, either. I love the fact that in Sweden gender neutrality is already happening, or at least beginning to. And yes, sometimes people do go overboard with it but generally it's a great movement.

Before I lose track of what I'm really saying I need to say this: be feminist, and be proud of being feminist. There is nothing wrong with that. Don't be afraid of people who think that being a feminist is the same as being a man-hating hippie lesbian who doesn't shave their armpits, let alone their legs. If they do think that, even after trying to explain them the truth, and disrespect your feminism, tell them to fuck off. Then you can go on living your life, happy that it has one less idiot in it.

Aug. 17th, 2013


(no subject)

Oooh, maybe he's gay!

He isn't though.
 But if he were, everything would be fine again.

(no subject)

Ooooooohhhhkay, I might have been exaggerating earlier when I said that I'm fine and cool about this... crush thing. Because jfc I'd hate it if he were seeing someone. 
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